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Monday, May 31, 2010

Eurovision 2010

This post originally appeared on my blog at Please go over there and read some of the other funny things me and my friends have been writing about.



It evokes so many images and sounds in your mind. And it happened again last night.

In this day and age of Twitter – and the internet generally – the slogan for this year’s show “Share The Moment” seemed pretty appropriate. I spent the evening at a party which got pretty out of control if I may say so – baklava AND Jarlsberg cheese? On a school night? Heyoo! - but I had my phone and logged in Twitter account by my side to share my thoughts on each act. (I’ve added a few extra thoughts which the brevity of Twitter prevented me from providing.)

Overall the show was pretty slickly produced. From the Spanish real estate agent/serial pest Jimmy Jump ruining (even moreso) Spain’s act to a mid-show flash mob across Europe that was possibly the coolest thing I have ever seen on Eurovision, I had a ball. I also had a Vodka Cruiser but I swear that was an accident. But what’s a Eurovision night without everyone suffering a little embarrassment?


Oh, Fiddlin’ Norwegian Zac Efron’s back with his eye brows and all. Some hat kickin’ fiddlin’ to kick off the show. I suspect we’ll see at least one more fiddle before the end of the show.

This year’s hosts are Norwegian Josh Thomas and Scary Spice.

Azerbaijan. Stupid song name, lovely ladies. A bit Ricki-Lee/Holly Valance with supporting interpretive dance by Orlando Bloom, who may just be a roadie who went on to move some set then covered with some dancing. Lovely arm choreo there.

Spain. I drew Spain in the sweep at our party. Don’t let me down, Leo Sayer Circus Troupe. I already have a wooden spoon at home… YES! BRILLIANT. (The stage crasher, not the Sayer twins)

The Norwegian act is possibly the most charming stalker a lady will ever have. Smooth.

Moldova’s also on the fiddlin’ bandwagon I see. The dude’s fiddlin’ a neon violin while standing on a lazy susan. Unabashed Eurovision. And has that saxophone been AutoTuned? It’s got the same kind of timbre as the sax from Guru Josh’s Infinity. Remember that one? No? Well, it does.

Would have loved to have seen the stage crasher in Cyprus’s act. Jump on stage and just suddenly fall asleep like he’d just entered the city limits of the Village Of The Damned.

Well… at least, the dog backstage loved Bosnia & Herzegovina. Gave that chick a high ten.

Belgium. This dude – Tom Dice - is lovely. Me and My Guitar. Awwww. James Taylor is now allowed to steal one of Tom Dice’s other song titles. It’s actually a good song too.

Serbia, what gives man? You just totally killed the feel good mood. Why does Eurovision ruin the nice pretty numbers by following them with hilariously ridiculous shit not out of place in 1992?

Okay Eurovision. You’ve acknowledged Australia is watching. Now let us enter the damn thing.

Ah Belarus. For a minute there, I didn’t think you didn’t understand what Eurovision was about. Then you grew shiny wings.

Ireland. What the hell is this? The Rose? I was waiting for a disco beat to kick in and I got a recorder.

Greece. YES. They’ve sold me on the title alone - ‘Opa!’ I mean, Greece could just call their song ‘Song’ and it would still be brilliant fun. One of the Greek dancers was wearing Kylie Minogue’s loose, sideboob exposing gown from the Can’t Get You Out Of My Head video. AND THE DRUMS SHOOT FIRE. But is that FIDDLER I see?? This is the frontrunner so far as far as I’m concerned.

United Kingdom. … uh … you’ve … you’ve got some sturdy looking boxes there… ? … … you… you can’t walk on them and… and everything… … good on you … sorry, just accentuating the positive. You were awful.

Apparently Georgia owns sewing machines but no buttons.

Turkey. They should have loaned the Georgian dancers some duct tape to hold their clothes together. You can spare it, can’t you Turkish Linkin Park? Hey – the Stig got HOT. Robot striptease!

Albania’s also jumped on the fiddle bandwagon as well and ripped off Blondie while they’re at it. You can sing “Call Me” over the top of it. The Albanian fiddler looks like what would happen if Tim Burton and Andre Rieu had a child together.

Iceland. When you call your song “Je ne sais quoi”, you’re setting yourself up to fail, like when they called that horrible Bette Midler movie “Isn’t She Great”. They were admittedly creative in their use of the big red curtains that keep disappearing from act to act.

Ukraine - she’s wearing a black hood. She’s a bit like an emo Shakira if Shakira didn’t dance. I could hear this on the soundtrack of Ukrainian Twilight, with her as the frontwoman of Ukrainian Evanescence.

Is the World Cup being held in France this year or something? No reason…

Romania. I’m all for see-through Siamese Casio keyboards, choreographed fire, catsuits and big words in lights. You go, Sha-romania Twain! You rhyme ‘fire’ with ‘higher’! Elvis did that too! You’re like Elvis!

Russia. Snow. Scarves. Picture. Hand. Wind. Bland. If you’re going to follow James Blunt’s lead, please jump off the snowy cliff too. And what's with Johnny Depp interrupting with the deadpan news?

I think Armenia has the vote of every heterosexual male in Europe tonight.

Iceland have a model volcano in the green room? Poor form. Too soon. That’s like Roman Polanski taking a 13-year-old date to next year's Oscars.

The German girl – Lena – is loving this and I’m loving it too. She’s kinda dorky and having fun. :D How catchy is this??

Portugal. Why is there a candle on the piano? You’re in a stadium. There are lights everywhere. There is a wall of flashing lights behind you that would seem out of place in a Justin Timberlake or U2 video. The candle’s not fooling anyone about a mood you’re trying to set. Nobody’s looking at that candle but me. WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE DISTRACTED BY THAT CANDLE.

Israel. Ouch. Was warned it would be another power ballad but ouch. BUM NOTES. Thanks for the heads up, Julia (Zemiro). I expect at least two big swirly American Idol style camera swoops.

Denmark here , with the theme song from the 1993 season of the rugby league. Seriously. Try singing Simply The Best over the top of it. Take it away, Sting.

That was some masterful one take stuff, Norwegian Neil Patrick Harris. Of Michel Gondry video quality. *Ahem*

Flash mob! Check out security post-Jimmy Jump lay into potential boneheaders.

No way! Europe wide flash mob! Brilliant. Go lone guy in the middle of the North Sea!

Very happy with the winner. What an adorably cute dork! Why wouldn’t Fiddlin' Norwegian Zac Eyebrow kiss her? How popular would their kids be?

How good was it when Belarus came from behind at the end and smashed the UK into last place? Goosebumps. Like, watching Cool Runnings for the first time goosebumps.

Ugh. I tweeted way too much last night. Have a twangover.

Woke up naked & handcuffed to the Greek Club, phone in hand. Thanks Eurovision.

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