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Friday, March 12, 2010

If I Wrote Glengarry Glen Ross

Alec Baldwin: We’re adding a little something to this month’s sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Wanna see second prize? A set of steak knives. … Third prize is YOU’RE FIRED. … Oh, have I got your attention now, you cocksuckin’ pieces of shit? Huh?

Jack Lemmon: … um, excuse me?

AB: What?

JL: Yeeeees, hi there. I was just wondering what’s fourth prize?

AB: Fourth prize is another set of steak knives.

JL: And fifth prize?

AB: More steak knives.

JL: Sixth prize?

AB: Sixth prize is YOU’RE FIRED.

JL: Oh-kay.

AB: That’s right, you bastard.

Alan Arkin: (muttering) Who’s this guy think he is?

JL: And seventh prize?

AB: Set of steak knives.

JL: Eighth prize?

AB: Eighth prize. Steak knives.

JL: Ninth?

AB: Ninth prize is YOU’RE FIRED.

JL: Ooooohkay. So the goal of this isn’t really to sell as much real estate possible but to just make sure we don’t end up with a placing that’s a multiple of three?

AB: You gotta problem with that, Shel?

JL: It seems kinda weak.

AB: Weak? YOU’RE WEAK. You don’t think you can handle it, you’re in the wrong line of business, pal. You wanna work here, close. And NOT in a multiple of three.

Alan Arkin: Who the hell is this guy?

AB: (refers to the blackboard on which ABC is written). A-B-C. A-always. B-be. ... and I'm not saying the third word. Coz the third word is FIRED.

JL: Just to satisfy my peace of mind though, what’s 17th place?

AB: Steak knives.

JL: 14th place?

AB: Steak knives.

JL: 27th place?


JL: 41st?

AB: Steak knives.

JL: 92nd?

AB: Steak knives.

JL: 12th?


JL: 113th?

AB: Steak knives.

JL: 63rd?


JL: 30th?


JL: 23rd?

AB: Gift certificate to Target.

JL: 15th?


JL: This is ludicrous.

Ed Harris: It’s BULLSHIT, that’s what it is.

Alan Arkin: Why don’t we just sell steak knives?

Ed Harris: Goddammit.

Alan Arkin: People need steak knives more than real estate.

Ed Harris: God DAMN it.

JL: Sounds like we’ve got a lot to sell.

Ed Harris: GodDAMMIT this is abuse.

AB: You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit? (jingling key chain) You see these? These are brass balls. You need brass balls to sell real estate. Notice there are only two. Not three. Two. Brass balls don’t come in threes, gentlemen. You have until tomorrow. Good night.

(front door slams shut)


(mens room door swings open)


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