Alan Rickman

Alan Rickman is an actor.

UQ Law Revue 2011 Videos

This year's video directors were Matt Hendry, Patrick Begley and James Semit. I liked Gorilla for being different, The Social Netball for the concept and Food Court State of Mind for the execution.

How We Met

Tash,

You and I were the only ones in the elevator to the summit of Mount Everest in the Nepalese summer of 1986. The cable snagged and we were trapped for a year, while mountain maintenance attended to a cockroach infestation at the summit.

We bonded over jovial lines of dialogue about the escalating price of rocket fuel for our jetpacks, whether the Llamas would win the Super Bowl, and whether or not M*A*S*H* was actually set in space.

You hummed a delicious ditty about your fear of velcro while I strummed John Denver tunes on a three stringed uke. We never made it to the summit because it was blown up by Al Queda the following Smarch. But we've been close ever since.

Now which one are you again?

--

David,

We met on a deep sea expedition to recover the remains of the Millennium Falcon after it was struck by an iceberg, killing all 4 midgets on board i.e. 2 real people.

We suddenly ran out of oxygen, when you remembered that there were pockets of air in the Kinder Buenos we had brought down with us.

We made it to the surface alive but the substitution of clean breathing air for wafer flavoured air caused slight brain damage and made us forget the whole horrible experience ever happened.

--

Kirk,

We met at an audition for a new breakfast radio show 5PM weekdays. We bantered and gave out icy cold cans of Coke to Mormons then took them back when they said they couldn't pay for them.

Our news presenter was a salamander named Jeneane who had difficulty pronouncing the letter 9. One time, Jeneane showed up to work drunk and claiming she was now to be called "Rod Young", so we had to share the news duties that day.

We've never looked back. We're now the top rating breakfast radio program for people listening to the internet on the way home from yoga.

--

Thanks, mates. It's people like you who keep me grounded in reality.

Dick Birthday Gifts: A Pictorial

I am older than some. One of these some is a friend who is turning 21. I was flattered to be invited to her 21st birthday party, and went shopping for a present. I therefore consider myself qualified to lecture all in the art of gift buying.

If you have a friend who is turning 21 - or any age for that matter - and you think any of these items would be a good present, you should leave thinking to people who can think gooder.

(HAPPY BIRTHDAY by The Beatles)

Huggies walker nappies

They are not actually for 22 year old boys. Buyer beware.

Butternut pumpkin

You dick.

Platinum Lite Chicken, Rice and Vegetables Dog Food Loaf

If you know the person is getting a pet, you may apply the logic you'd apply to an XBox or other console and get something like a game to substitute.

Dog food loaf - even the low fat one - is no substitute for Halo.

Plastic bag

No matter how many times you practice the most beautiful thing in the world speech from American Beauty to recite to them, you are likely to get a kick in the dick for this.

1/4 slab Snow White cake.

Don't be fooled by the word "slab" and bring this to Robbo's birthday/grand final day BBQ.

Fresh panini bread

See butternut pumpkin above, you dick.

A thumbs up.

A thumbs down.

3 pack of Tarzan's Grip glue

Glue is a terrible birthday gift, even with the lure of the prospect of multi-pack value.

Fresh pani...

... stop thinking about the panini bread. Bread is a bad birthday gift. Are they orphans in a workhouse? Are they convicts on a ship? No.

A brush.

It reminds people of a cactus you put in your hair, which is also a terrible gift.

NO HAIR CACTUS.

A multi-coloured pen

No.

Two multi-coloured pens.

NO.

Four multi-coloured pens!

NO.

But that's sixteen colours!

... your maths is ...

... just go with the bread.

Brisbane Comedy Festival 2011 Lineup

Last year I had a blast at the Brisbane Comedy Festival (see previous blogs) and now tickets have gone on sale for next year's shows. As predicted, it's expanded to over 30 shows across the whole month of March.

Week 1

• George McEnroe: The Care Factor
• Josh Thomas: Everything Ever
• Melinda Buttle in Buttle and Buttle
• Josh Earl's Love Songs and Dedications (also into week 2)
  
• Dave O'Neil is Happy To Be Out Of The House
• Peter Helliar's World of Balls

Week 2

• Denise Scott: Regrets
• Damien Power: Driven
• Geraldine Quinn: Shut Up And Sing
• Mark Watson
• Eddie Ifft: What Women Don't Want To Hear
• Danny Bhoy
• Steve Hughes: Heavy Metal Comedy

Week 3

• Arj Barker: Let Me Do The Talking
• The Hermitude of Angus, ecstatic
• Stevl Stefn and his Translator
• Dead Cat Bounce: Caged Heat
• Asher Treleaven: Secret Door
• Tom Ballard: Since 1989
• Hannah Gadsby: Mrs Chuckles
• Tom Gleeson: Up Himself
• Jason Byrne: Cirque du Byrne

Week 4

• Matthew Kenneally and The Great Escape
• Wil Anderson: Man vs Wil
• Sammy J: Skinny Man, Modern World
• Dave Thornton: I Wanna Be Bruce Lee
• Harley Breen: I Heart Bunnings
• Bulmer's Best of the Edinburgh Fringe (Gordon Southern, Stephen Grant, John Robbins)
  
• Sam Simmons: The Precise History Of Things
• Heath Franklin's Chopper in Chopper's F**ken Bingo
• Stephen K Amos: The Best Medicine
  

So all in all, there's a helluva lot more to see - I know I'm interested to see Geraldine Quinn, Asher Treleaven, Tom Ballard and Dead Cat Bounce. I also recommend Sammy J, Sam Simmons, Mel Buttle and The Hermitude of Angus, Ecstatic. I guess I'm again a little disappointed by the low proportion of Brisbane acts (I only see Damien and Mel), but this will hopefully be remedied with local injections into Livewired and the Chalkboard.

The Old Man

Today, I was in the food court.

With a chin being absent-mindedly stroked by my right forefinger and an upward tilt of my head, I looked at the menu of the Indian takeaway. I must have stared at it for at least fifteen seconds before my mind wandered and I was spacing.

A few seconds into my journey into no thought, a distant SNAP and sight of clicking fingers drew me back into the world. An old man - a stranger to me - had his arm raised and was snapping his fingers in my eyeline, creating a distracting obstacle between me and the Indian takeaway menu.

When he saw I was back attention-wise, his arm withdrew and his spine curled back into its apparently normal hunched forward posture.

He stepped towards me, with a stony expression on his face and big black rimmed glasses. He looked to me like one of the Pixar "old man" characters (Geri from Geri's Game/Toy Story 2 or Carl Frederickson from Up) but with a few lone hairs sprouting from the left side of his chin that he'd clearly repeatedly failed to prune.

He spoke, pausing after every few words to catch his breath, as if the walk of two metres had exhausted him.

"Why... did the computer... cross... the road?"

I didn't know and told him so.

"Because it was programmed by the chicken."

I didn't laugh, but I did politely smile. "Okay." His face hardly changed expression - still stony, deadpan with a few straggling hairs - but I sensed he was amused.

"You have to keep that old joke up to date, you know? Someone had to do it."

He'd apparently caught his breath. I jokingly asked...

"Is it a PC or a Mac?"

"... what?"

"The computer. Is it a PC or a Mac? And what operating system does it use?"

The man looked at me, stone faced and hairy chinned, for a few seconds.

"... you don't want the curry from this place."

He turned and walked away, to strap some balloons to his roof or not shave those hairs on the left side of his chin.